I WILL NEVER ASK YOU FOR MONEY

Here is a brief postscript to my recent message "ARE YOU TOO LAID-BACK". There, I advised you to engage your critical faculties when taking advice, and warned you about charlatans and misguided advice-givers on the internet.

One of the many ways in which the charlatan sullies the pure waters of advice-giving is by asking for remuneration for "advice" given.

I will never ask you for money.

My regular employment affords me a sufficient income, and I find myself quite able to meet my material wants, which in any case, are modest. It is an honour for me to be able to touch so many lives in a positive way, and I seek no recompense other than the acknowledgement of a job well done.

So let me repeat:

I will never ask you for money.

A corollary of this is that if you receive a request from a "hognogger" asking you for money, you can be sure that the issuer of this request is not my good self, but rather, an impostor. Under no circumstance should you release personal or financial information to this person, because he or she is undoubtedly a scammer. And if this person tries to sell you some sob-story, then he or she is a confidence trickster to boot.

However, I should note that I do not say this quite without reservation. There is one, and only one, circumstance in which you should relent. If the "hognogger" contacting you claims to be in dire straits, and needs money not for his own purposes, but to fulfil the wish of his dying son who wants to visit Disneyland, then you should help out. Such a person, although an impostor, is a decent person at bottom, and the story given to you should be believed. You should give every spare penny you have to this person.

THE RELUCTANT SOCK

Dear DocFlinkey,

I have been doing reasonably well without your help recently, but something has come up that I just can't ignore.

I have this really annoying sock. It hates being washed. May I add that all of my other clothes are scrupulous about being cleaned, and are always itching to be placed in the washing machine. In fact, I can almost smell them coo with delight as I place them tenderly in the machine each month.

But allow me to return to the matter at hand. I place my errant sock in the dirty clothes basket with all of the other dirty clothes, but somehow, it never makes it to the washing machine. After thinking about its behaviour for some time, I drew the following conclusions.

The errant sock creeps out of the basket when I am not looking. It then hides itself somewhere in the house, and returns to my clean clothes drawer during the night while I am asleep. This, of course, is most undesirable, as it means that I wear it again and again, thinking it is clean, when in fact, it is covered in the filth and general residue from my feet.

I needn't mention what a disastrous impact all of this is having on my social life. Please, please, please, Dr Flinkey. You must help me. Once again I find myself with no-one else to turn to.

Devotedly yours,
Hognogger


Dear Hoggy,

(Thank you by the way for adding me to your webblog - my lawyers will in touch with you soon.)

Many intellectuals have the ability to think in linear fashion but are so busy thinking laterally they cannot see the obvious solution.

As with audio recording - you MUST FOLLOW THE SIGNAL to find the problem.

Let's follow the sock in a LINEAR fashion shall we?

Sock on foot - sock in basket - sock in drawer - sock on foot - sock in basket etc.

Study this line. What sort of line is it? If you answered cyclical you would be correct.

So - we must break the cycle of the sock.

It is so simple. Have you worked it out yet? Think, think, think. How do you break the cycle? How do you stop the sock from getting out of the basket and into the drawer?

CORRECT!

Put the drawer in the basket! When the sock crawls out of the basket and into the drawer where is he?

IN THE BASKET STILL!

ARE YOU TOO LAID-BACK?

It is, apparently, part of the Australian self-image that we are a "relaxed and comfortable" lot. These days, the laid-back Aussie is in decline (rather than recline). Precious few of these characters are now to be found in the urban population centres. And this is not without reason. In today's market-driven, aspirational world, there is not really much call for such persons, except for at the odd barbeque, and in TV scripts.

In fact, if you are a laid-back sort, this is probably the real reason why you are such a failure. Yes, you read it here first. This character trait of yours, which is so esteemed in our national mythology, is holding you back. As such, it is an impediment and needs to be erradicated. I will show you how to do this.

The first thing to observe is that your laid-backness is actually the result of a physical deformity. Very few people realise this, but it's true. Laid-backness as a personality trait has been correlated (in a statistically significant way) with an excess of bone material in the feet. Specifically, those who are laid-back tend to have hypertrophy of the balls of their feet.

What this means is that such people have a natural tendency to overbalance backwards slightly. This makes them appear relaxed, in some cases diffident, and in extreme cases, almost entirely disconnected from other people. This deformity requires correction. You can do this in one of two ways.

(1) Acquire a file. Not any file will do. You'll need a file designed to file down horses hooves. It may take some time to track down one of these, but be persistent.

Once you have the file, you should start working on the balls of your feet. Don't worry about filing away your skin and flesh; it will grow back. Keep going until your problem is corrected. If you are squeamish, you may take a couple of Panadol tablets before commencing this procedure.

(2) Amputate some of your toes. For the normal person, toes are useful balancing devices. Were the average person to amputate some of his or her toes, then he or she would acquire a propensity to topple forward. However, for the laid-back person, amputation of the toes will correct the existing imbalance, and after this procedure, the formerly laid-back person will adopt a proper, vertical posture.

Should you remove too many toes, of course, you may acquire a slight forward-lean. However, don't be too concerned about this possibility. A slight forward-lean is actually very desirable in the current interpersonal climate. It will make you appear more engaging, interested and enthusiastic, and certainly, no one will ever mistake you for being laid-back.

OK, got that? Good. Now, before you do anything else, SCROLL DOWN....













If you are laid-back, were you just about to head off and perform one of these procedures? And if you're not laid-back, were you just about to head off and tell all of your laid-back friends to perform one of these procedures?

No?

That's good. You see, this post is a little test, and also a warning. I will always give you sincere and helpful advice, but there are a lot of charlatans out there. There are also many well-intentioned, but misguided, advice-givers. I just want to make sure you are absorbing advice with your critical faculties engaged.

I am not a qualified medical practitioner. What I was suggesting that you do is tantamount to self-mutilation. So let that be a lesson for you. If someone tells you that you ought to amputate or modify parts of your own body, make sure you think long and hard about that advice before going through with it. Think to yourself, "Does this advice make sense? Is it really the best way of solving my problem?" Having posed these questions, should you still be undecided about whether you ought to take the advice, you may find it helpful to ask, "What would Hognogger do in this situation?"

Now, although the remedies for laid-backness that I suggested were spurious, and possibly even dangerous, I should let you know of the proper treatment for this condition. In fact, I visited my Uncle Ignatius some weeks ago at his current residence in a popular Glen Waverley retirement village precisely so that I would be informed of current medical opinion on this issue. Prior to being struck off the register, Uncle Ignatius was a very successful doctor, making regular appearances in the social pages of all the important local newspapers.

I asked him about the proper medical treatment for laid-backness. He said that this involved the fusion of a number of vertebrae in the lumbar region of the back. If any among you are suffering from this malady of laid-backness, I suggest you consult your regular general practitioner and ask for a referral. A back specialist is most likely to be able to advise you on the various fusion procedures available and help you to select the one which best suits your particular circumstances.

ANNA KOURNIKOVA AND THE BRIDGE OF BALLS

Oh - before I duck off to take my leave, I feel compelled to share some more great words from my mentor, the incomparable Dr Flinkey.

Dear Dr Flinkey,

I have a friend who is obsessed with Anna Kournikova.

OK, you say, that's not so unusual, so what's the problem? Well, my friend used to go and see her every year at Round 1 of the Australian Open. Since she retired, however, his behaviour has become progressively more erratic. His latest plan is to try and gather to himself every tennis ball that Anna ever hit. He then plans to cut them open, flatten them out, and use them to make a bridge to Russia so that he can head over there to see her.

He's been putting up ads up for tennis balls on the internet and in all the major newspapers. This is sending him into heavy debt. I'm afraid for him. Can you you help?

Your expectant patient,
Hognogger

Dr Flinkey: Yes I can help, as she lives in California and/or Florida he won't need so many tennis balls.

HOGNOGGER'S TIPS - DEALING WITH FLATTENED FENCES

I am excited; I am just about to take a week's leave from work. I expect to spend most of that time recording music, which will no doubt be fun and frustrating in equal measure.

I will also take a week's leave from writing here. But before I depart, I would like to address an issue of the first importance. What do you do when a section of the fence that separates you and your neighbour, is either flattened or disappears completely?

Sometimes, this sort of thing isn't much of a problem at all. If a section of the fence is flattened, then you'll often find that that part of the fence is feeling a little tired, and is merely lying down for a bit of a rest. In all probability, it will erect itself again in a day or two. If not, you should seek medical attention, as it may be seriously ill.

If the section of the fence has disappeared, this also may have more or less undisturbing consequences. It may be, for instance, that your neighbour has merely taken it down the pub for a beer, or has invited it over for dinner.

I mention the possibilities above in order to ensure that you don't fret unnecessarily if you find that your fence is flattened or has partially disappeared. Wait a few days, and if things don't right themselves, then you'll need to take further action.

Unfortunately, this is where things get kind of messy. You'll need to discuss the issue with your neighbours, as you are probably both responsible for rectifying the situation. Unfortunately, some neighbours can be quite unreasonable and, in acute cases, thoroughly intransigent. I've known many people whose neighbours, in these circumstances, have been quite happy to leave a gaping hole in the fence. "If you want it fixed, fix it yourself", they say.

If you have neighbours like this, then there are several things you can do. If you have a crappy garden, and they have a really nice one, then I suggest that you buy a goat. Your new goat will probably find your neighbour's garden much more inviting and appetising than your own.

Another thing you may try is to put up some crucifixes and cloves of garlic near the gap where the fence is. This will work really well if your neighbours are undead, as the proximity of these devices will deny them access to half of their own backyard. If you're feeling really keen, set up your sprinkler just near the gap and pump some holy water into your neighbour's backyard. That can work wonders. Just be sure that they are truly of the undead before you do this. If they are not undead, you may in fact discover that the application of holy water cures your neighbours of various chronic ailments they've been afflicted with for years.

If none of the above measures prove useful, then you are going to have to take more serious steps. The thing to do now is to erect a sign out the front of your yard. It should say, "Free Peep Show. Bring own binoculars". It should also include instructions that direct interested parties to enter your backyard and peer through the gaping wound in your fence.

Anyway, these are just a few ideas for you. I hope you never have to make use of any of them.

THE MAN WHO DESIRED TOO MANY PRINTERS

Dear constant and most worthy Dr Flinkey,

I have a friend who has a problem, but he is too shy to contact you directly. So I am speaking on his behalf. The problem is with his Hewlett Packard Deskjet printer. He'd only ever had one printer before this one, and it was an old dot-matrix model that he picked up from someone's nature-strip. Unfortunately, it was waterlogged and wouldn't interface properly with his PC. He kept it around for a little while, but in the end, he had to let it go.

He thought he'd never find another printer, and this made him feel deeply sad. He felt that he was destined to make his way through life without a printer. As he made his way each day to the belt factory, his travels took him past a computer shop. Each day he would gaze wistfully into the windows at the beautiful, shiny and new printers in the shopfront.

However, one day everything changed for him. His maiden aunt died. He was her only living relative, and so, naturally, she left her entire estate to her cat. All, that is, except for her Deskjet printer. This she bequeathed to my friend.

At first, he was a little nervous around it, and it didn't operate entirely smoothly for him. However, after a little patience, perseverence and reconditioning, it was as good as new, and served him well for several years, and they were both very happy. The Deskjet printed pages for him every day, and he stopped walking past the computer shop on his way to work.

So what's the problem then? Well, lately, he's been feeling himself drawn to other printers. He knows that the fact that he now has the confidence to think of owning other printers is solely due to the devotion shown him by the Deskjet. So, of course, he feels somewhat conflicted and guilty. What should he do?

Your expectant patient,
Hognogger


Dr Flinkey: Sorry to disappoint you Hoggy, but your friend is not telling you the whole story.

He has been to many therapists claiming he has un uncontrollable urge to upgrade his printer (even though the current model has been kind and true.) Each of these therapsits (quite rightly) asked to see the former printer in situ to determine the "environment" of the relationship.

Well - you may be shocked to know that he had an "accident" when showing his affection to the printer. As a result - he is too embarrassed to go home and wants to get a new printer and a new house to live in.

Don't believe me, huh? Well I may need to break doctor-client privilege and show you the evidence - for your own good:

INTRODUCING DR FLINKEY

I bet the 0 humans and 5000 robots who've been reading my musings on this blog are wondering, "How does he do it? How does one man know not just what my problems are in life, but also how to address them so effectively?"

Well, I'm afraid that I cannot take all of the credit. No, I must confess that I have a mentor. Yes, there was a time when I was hard-pressed to even diagnose the true nature of a problem, let alone furnish a satisfying solution to that problem.

However, I have learned well from my mentor, and now feel able to give a little back to the wider community. My mentor is the august Dr Flinkey. The good doctor is one of Australia's best-kept secrets. Perhaps Australian Story will do a feature on him one day. Returning to the matter at hand, I should explain that he has a "Dear DocFlinkey" thread on a certain Melbourne music forum that I frequent. Since he is such a wise (and perhaps even noble) man, I feel it is only appropriate that I do not hoard his wonderful advice. So I will be sharing some of it on this blog. Starting now.

Dr Flinkey and the Mystery of the Moving Book

Dear Dr Flinkey,

I have a book that I like to read sometimes. But I always have trouble finding it. I look after it very well, and always put it back in the bookshelf when I've finished with it. But the next time I go to find it, it's not where I left it. It's always some place else in the bookshelf.

Do you think it's avoiding me?

Your concerned patient,
Hognogger


Dr Flinkey: What is the title of the book? This is vital information.

Hognogger: Quiddities

Dr Flinkey: aha - I should have known it was that one! Quiddities comes from the Medieval Latin "quiddits" from Latin "quid" meaning "what." Now, in modern times, the use of the word "what" by itself as a sentence has become common. For example:

1. "Can you hear me?" "What?"
2. "Why did you do that?" "What?"
3. "It was you who farted, wasn't it?" "What?"

But our illustrious english grammar teachers have deemed the use of the word "what" as poor form. Thus, a book called "Quidditties" will by it's very nature move about looking for purpose. So. the solution is to cross out the first five letter of the title and replace them with the single letter "T" then other books will start moving around looking for your book on your behalf.

YT,
Flink

Hognogger: I did as you suggested, with a most unfortunate consequence. As soon as I changed the title, the other books on the bookshelf became restless. And sure enough, they soon started moving towards one particular place on the bookshelf. But the competition to reach that place was so fierce that pages were torn, covers ripped clean off, and now my bookshelf looks like a bomb site. The book formerly entitled "Quidditties" was destroyed in the melee...

Dr Flinkey: Another problem solved!

Note: Dr Flinkey can be consulted for a modest fee at: http://www.icansolveyourproblemsloser.com

HOGNOGGER'S TIPS - TIP 3

Well, since this is a new blog, I don't want it to look threadbare. So I reckon I will post a few things today and, in all likelihood, forget that this blog exists thereafter.

There are times in your life when you just know that you will be forced to be somewhere you don't want to be. I'm afraid that there is just nothing I can do about this. However, I can offer you some really useful information that you're going to find quite helpful in some of these situations.

You see, some of these situations involve music, conversation, and/or general noise that you'd rather not experience. Of course, the best option when confronted with such situations is to take yourself out of them as soon as possible. Where this is not possible, though, you need to come prepared; you need to soundproof your head.

How to Soundproof your Head

STEP 1
Purchase two packing blankets and a piece of rope.

STEP 2
Arrange the blankets so that they both cover your head front-to-back. Have a friend circle the rope around your neck several times and fasten it securely. (If you don't have a friend, don't worry. We'll cover that issue another time.)

STEP 3
Scream.

If you have successfully applied these steps, then no-one will be able to hear you, and your head will be sound-proofed. Congratulations. You will now be able to approach most unpleasant auditory experiences with equanimity.

If, on the other hand, a muffled sound can still be heard by casual onlookers, then you have two options. You may decide that you can live with this partial leakage of sound. However, if you decide that this leakage is unacceptable, you can dip your head in cement to ensure complete soundproofing (as an added bonus, asphyxiation will follow soon after).

HOGNOGGER'S TIPS - TIP 2
You know, I'm often pulled up on the street by passersby. Of course, they want to know all manner of things. But one questions that seems to be on many lips, especially in recent times, is "How does one get into the Music Industry?"

Now, as much as I love being asked questions on the street, and as much as I enjoy gently guiding those lost souls who are in need of my aid, I must confess that the frequency with which I'm asked this question is inducing tedium.

So, on the off chance that I ever meet you, dear reader, I'm going to make damn sure you never ask me this question.

In any case, I am pleased to reveal the definitive answer to the question, "How does one get into the Music Industry?"

STEP 1
Find a large cardboard box. Just how large will depend on your physical dimensions.

STEP 2
Write "The Music Industry" on the outside of the box. Use a biro if you want to be a bit-player, a felt-tipped pen if you want to be moderately well-known, or a big, fat texta if you want to be really famous.

STEP 3
Climb into the box.

STEP 4 (optional)
Close the flaps of the box and seal yourself in. Take this step if you don't want to be able to get out of the music industry.

Writing the first page of anything is always hard. Some say that when you are faced with a difficult task, you should try and break it down into simpler, more manageable ones. Try, they say, to think in terms of paragraphs and sentences rather than pages. Now, true, the first sentence is always the hardest. But this is the fifth sentence, and therefore I am over the worst of it.

HOGNOGGER'S TIPS - TIP 1
If you are feeling down, download a clown. Here is an example, just so that you understand the sort of thing I'm talking about:

Once you have downloaded your clown, you should then print it out and place it in your wallet, your purse, or in any other miscellaneous item that you regularly carry on your person.

If you do this, the dark clouds will lift and you will feel lighter (perhaps even buoyant).

CAVEATS

(1) Make sure that you use a colour printer when printing your clown. A black-and-white clown is like a two-dimensional cup. A two-dimensional cup won't hold any coffee, and a black-and-white clown won't lift your mood. If you do not have access to a colour printer, then you have a further problem. Try not to think about this further problem, as it will only make you feel worse.

(2) If you print out your clown, and you feel better after carrying it around for a day or two, that's great! However, (and I cannot stress this point firmly enough) do not start downloading clowns willy-nilly. If you stuff ten clowns in your wallet, then you may feel euphoric for a brief period, but you will suffer for this excess later.

(3) Be sure not to download a clown that looks like this.