THE EPIPHANY OF THE ORGAN

Dear Dr Flinkey,

I have a friend who seeks your aid in a rather sensitive matter.

He works for a well-known international fashion design house (well, OK, he empties the bins and mops the floors, but he is ambitious).

A couple of months ago, he casually mentioned to me that he was thinking of having his penis pierced. Naturally, I was pleased for him, and asked him to pass on my congratulations to his todger.

Last week, our paths crossed for the first time since then. His haggard, mottled face regarded me; his crazed eyes pleading for aid. I could see he was in some discomfort.

It appears that since he put the penis-ring in, his old fella has acquired a taste for accessories.

He first suspected that there could be a problem when he noticed some curious behaviour. While reading fashion magazines in the toilet, as he often does, he would sometimes catch his old fella peering over the toilet seat at the mags. Now, it is not that he minded sharing the magazines - he is a generous fellow, on the whole. It's just that he had to install a mop in his toilet soon after this behaviour started.

Before long, he found himself regularly waking up hung-over, after apparently sleeping with strange women. On the first occasion, he found he had slept with a tattooist, only to discover when he went home to take a shower, that his penis now had eyes, ears and a mouth. On the second occasion, he slept with someone who works at a follicular fusion treatment centre. His penis now has a fine head of hair. On the third occasion, he slept with a hairdresser, and discovered to his horror the next day that his penis had acquired a mohawk. On the fourth, he slept with a doll-maker, and, as a result, the penis now has arms and a leather jacket.

You see where I am going with this... Lately, the penis has been listening in on his private conversations with its tattooed ears, and looking at things it shouldn't see with its tattooed eyes. He is terribly afraid that one day his penis will start talking with its tattooed mouth. And goodness knows what it might do with its new arms. The penis is quickly becoming self-sufficient. All it requires now is a set of legs, and it will be able to walk out of his life forever.

What can be done? I hold grave fears for my friend, should this situation not be resolved in a timely fashion.

Yours ever,
hognogger

Dr Flinkey: Dear Hoggy,

Please do not be alarmed. This is in fact the fifth time this month that I have been approached in regards to this exact same complaint.

What people fail to realise is that peni are very sensitive creatures. Rub them the wrong way and they can become quite aggitated. They will often let loose with all kinds of dribble before withdrawing into themselves.

Also - as peni have been known to sometimes go off on their own - the addition of legs will not make much difference.

They are also headstrong little fellers. Once they have made their minds up to act, there is little chance of them stopping.

The solution is to go back to the initial issue - what change was introduced to the life of this penis that caused the behavioural problems?

The piercing of course. You cannot just go and pierce your knob without consulting with him about earrings, studs or sleepers. What is his preference?

But is is not too late.

I suggest that your friend start of with a nice gift. A single diamond stud will do nicely. Have him wrap it and leave it somewhere the penis will find it. Inside the cover of a porn mag is an obvious place. Make sure there is a card telling the penis how much he valued as a member of the family.

My hunch is the penis will be very pleased.

Your friend can then take him shopping - I believe large 60's style plastic hoops are back in fashion.