A TALE OF TWO CRISES

The two pressing issues of our time, are, as you know, water-restrictions and petrol prices. While I used to subscribe to the usual accounts of these problems and their causes, I now know otherwise. Yes, after several days of close observation, and several months of thinking about these observations from my empty bath-tub, I have discovered the underlying, common, cause of both of these vexing ills.

It all comes down to petrol-pump hoses.

You see, many people think that high petrol prices are the result of peak oil, increased demand from the developing world, Arab greed, fuel taxes, or some such thing. This is all quite wrong.

Next time you are getting your tank filled, look around and see how many of the bowsers are operational. My bet is that you will find that very few are. Then, you will notice a further puzzling fact. Nearly all of these non-functioning bowsers are missing their petrol-pump hose. And, as we all know, no hose means no petrol for you. In terms that the boffins would use, it is thus a supply-side problem (but not quite in the way they thought).

So why are the pump-hoses missing? The obvious answer is that they have knicked off somewhere. To test this theory, I camped out overnight at a newly-opened petrol station. At around 4am, I noticed a strange object slithering down a drain. Immediately, I checked the petrol-pumps. Sure enough, one hose was missing. I knew then that my diagnosis of the petrol-price situation was correct.

What of the water-restrictions, you ask? In turn, dear reader, I would ask you this. Have you looked at your garden hose lately? I have, and I can tell you that it has been replaced by a petrol-pump hose. A petrol-pump hose has done some terrible mischief to your poor garden hose, and has usurped its position. Do you know why your water bill is through the roof? That's right... it's because a petrol pump is used to a much heavier flow of fluid passing through it than is a garden-hose. In order to feel properly lubricated, it therefore turns itself on during the night while you are sleeping.

And your house is not unique. It's happening citywide.

So, I have worked out (where others have failed) the true cause of both expensive petrol, and the depletion of our water supply. What I do not know, as yet, is why the pump-hoses wanted to be garden-hoses. If I knew this, there may be some way of coaxing them back to their old positions, and solving both problems in one stroke.

I shall leave this as an open question for my audience of zero readers. I only pray that one of the none of you can shed further light on this matter.