THE MAN WHO COULD SEE THE PAST
I consider myself an expert at finding solutions to other people's problems. However, on occasion, I am stumped; yes, I am sorry to inform you that there are limits to my mercurial capacities. When I am confronted with a problem that seems insoluble, there is one man I can turn to. I consult my mentor, that unique individual, Dr Flinkey. He has taught me everything he knows, and has more besides that in reserve.
For your edification, I present a recent occasion where a situation presented itself that was beyond my ability to resolve happily. Read with care Dr Flinkey's masterful responses to my questions. We can all learn from the masters.
Dr Flinkey's contributions to this dialogue are marked in blue.
************
Dear DocFlinkey,
A dear friend of mine is making a big mistake, and I do not know how to help him.
Over the years, he somehow managed to convince himself that the true reason he still lived with his mother and jerked himself to sleep each night was that he had brown eyes.
Some months ago, he spoke to me of these concerns. I told him that there was nothing wrong with his eyes. In fact, I told him that they were big and beautiful, and were probably his best feature. This didn't seem to please him much. He thought his brown eyes made him look like an animal - that's why random dogs followed him on the street, and why the most he ever got out of a real, live, woman was a consoling pat on the head and the occasional offer to have himself chained up in her backyard.
Anyway, that is just a little background for you. His real problem is this. He decided that he needed to change his eye-colour. So he went to Bunnings and bought some nice blue paint. It took him hours looking at swatches to decide on the exact shade of blue, but, as he left the store, a new sense of hope for the future washed over him.
When he arrived home, he took out a fine brush and was just about to apply the paint, when he realised that he could not see his eyes properly. After all, he wanted to be sure to paint only the irises of his eyes. In order to get a good look at his eyes, so that he could apply the paint correctly, he gouged them out of their sockets so he could look at them directly. Of course, he soon realised that this was a mistake.
So he set the eyes down on a nearby bench and went to the phone to call a doctor. Unfortunately, due to the fact that he could no longer see the numbers on the phone's keypad, it took him several hours before he got through. However, and very sadly, while he was trying to call the doctor, a stray dog roamed in from the street and, well, as you know, dogs will eat anything. By the time he'd successfully contacted the doctor, his eyes were half-digested.
Now, you'd think that things couldn't get much worse than this. Unfortunately, you would be mistaken. Lately, he says he's been experiencing a strange tingling of the testicles - he feels that they are trying to tell him something important. And he thinks he knows what the message is. He's convinced that if he transplants his testicles into his empty eye-sockets, his vision will be restored.
He operates on himself very soon. I have a bad feeling about this. I have told him that, at least now that he has eliminated his brown eyes, women will see him as a human rather than an animal, and he now might have some chance of finding a girl. But, I said, if you remove your testicles and put them in your eye-sockets, no woman will want you.
Can you be of any assistance at all in this dark, and desperate matter. Little time remains for my friend....
Your most anxious patient,
Hognogger
Dear Hognogger,
Nah f**k it! I wanna see the guy with balls in his eye sockets. Should be good for a laugh.
As usual, your caring fake Doctor,
Flink
Dear DocFlinkey,
Thankyou for your advice to abstain from interfering with my friend's intentions to transplant his own testicles into his eye-sockets. I observed your advice, and allowed my friend to operate on himself unimpeded. In fact, I even helped out with the operation by getting him pissed so he wouldn't feel too much during the procedure.
As a consequence, my friend now has balls for eyes.
However, something most unexpected has happened. His testicles have opened a window to the past. My friend can see, after all, but he is getting vision from 125 million years ago. He's very excited, because he says he has seen things that turn conventional wisdom about prehistory upside down.
Anyway, he's excited, but at the same time, disappointed that he is still hearing sounds from the present. He wants to be able to hear the distant past as well as see it. He wants to rip out the insides of both his ears and replace them with testicles. He's convinced that, if he can do this, then he will be able to hear the sounds of 125 million years ago.
I have 3 questions for you:
(1) Will this work?
Yes and no - he should remove one of the testicles from his eye and use that in his ear. Using another person's nads will cause frequency misalignment. My way, he will be myoptic and hear in mono, but at least he will be in-tune.
(2) Where is he going to get the extra testicles from?
See above.
(3) I think it was a kind of a fluke that his self-operation was a success. I'd be happier if someone with experience in this sort of thing helped out. Will you perform the operation?
Yes I will. Bring him to the Pakky Hotel at around 3pm tomorrow. I will sterilise my hands in the Men's and do the operation as the horses come into the straight during the Cup.* That way I can pretend that everyone is cheering me on.
PS - I have no malpractice insurance. However, I do have plenty of malpractice to balance things out.
* Dr Flinkey's response was penned on the eve of the Melbourne Cup.
I consider myself an expert at finding solutions to other people's problems. However, on occasion, I am stumped; yes, I am sorry to inform you that there are limits to my mercurial capacities. When I am confronted with a problem that seems insoluble, there is one man I can turn to. I consult my mentor, that unique individual, Dr Flinkey. He has taught me everything he knows, and has more besides that in reserve.
For your edification, I present a recent occasion where a situation presented itself that was beyond my ability to resolve happily. Read with care Dr Flinkey's masterful responses to my questions. We can all learn from the masters.
Dr Flinkey's contributions to this dialogue are marked in blue.
************
Dear DocFlinkey,
A dear friend of mine is making a big mistake, and I do not know how to help him.
Over the years, he somehow managed to convince himself that the true reason he still lived with his mother and jerked himself to sleep each night was that he had brown eyes.
Some months ago, he spoke to me of these concerns. I told him that there was nothing wrong with his eyes. In fact, I told him that they were big and beautiful, and were probably his best feature. This didn't seem to please him much. He thought his brown eyes made him look like an animal - that's why random dogs followed him on the street, and why the most he ever got out of a real, live, woman was a consoling pat on the head and the occasional offer to have himself chained up in her backyard.
Anyway, that is just a little background for you. His real problem is this. He decided that he needed to change his eye-colour. So he went to Bunnings and bought some nice blue paint. It took him hours looking at swatches to decide on the exact shade of blue, but, as he left the store, a new sense of hope for the future washed over him.
When he arrived home, he took out a fine brush and was just about to apply the paint, when he realised that he could not see his eyes properly. After all, he wanted to be sure to paint only the irises of his eyes. In order to get a good look at his eyes, so that he could apply the paint correctly, he gouged them out of their sockets so he could look at them directly. Of course, he soon realised that this was a mistake.
So he set the eyes down on a nearby bench and went to the phone to call a doctor. Unfortunately, due to the fact that he could no longer see the numbers on the phone's keypad, it took him several hours before he got through. However, and very sadly, while he was trying to call the doctor, a stray dog roamed in from the street and, well, as you know, dogs will eat anything. By the time he'd successfully contacted the doctor, his eyes were half-digested.
Now, you'd think that things couldn't get much worse than this. Unfortunately, you would be mistaken. Lately, he says he's been experiencing a strange tingling of the testicles - he feels that they are trying to tell him something important. And he thinks he knows what the message is. He's convinced that if he transplants his testicles into his empty eye-sockets, his vision will be restored.
He operates on himself very soon. I have a bad feeling about this. I have told him that, at least now that he has eliminated his brown eyes, women will see him as a human rather than an animal, and he now might have some chance of finding a girl. But, I said, if you remove your testicles and put them in your eye-sockets, no woman will want you.
Can you be of any assistance at all in this dark, and desperate matter. Little time remains for my friend....
Your most anxious patient,
Hognogger
Dear Hognogger,
Nah f**k it! I wanna see the guy with balls in his eye sockets. Should be good for a laugh.
As usual, your caring fake Doctor,
Flink
Dear DocFlinkey,
Thankyou for your advice to abstain from interfering with my friend's intentions to transplant his own testicles into his eye-sockets. I observed your advice, and allowed my friend to operate on himself unimpeded. In fact, I even helped out with the operation by getting him pissed so he wouldn't feel too much during the procedure.
As a consequence, my friend now has balls for eyes.
However, something most unexpected has happened. His testicles have opened a window to the past. My friend can see, after all, but he is getting vision from 125 million years ago. He's very excited, because he says he has seen things that turn conventional wisdom about prehistory upside down.
Anyway, he's excited, but at the same time, disappointed that he is still hearing sounds from the present. He wants to be able to hear the distant past as well as see it. He wants to rip out the insides of both his ears and replace them with testicles. He's convinced that, if he can do this, then he will be able to hear the sounds of 125 million years ago.
I have 3 questions for you:
(1) Will this work?
Yes and no - he should remove one of the testicles from his eye and use that in his ear. Using another person's nads will cause frequency misalignment. My way, he will be myoptic and hear in mono, but at least he will be in-tune.
(2) Where is he going to get the extra testicles from?
See above.
(3) I think it was a kind of a fluke that his self-operation was a success. I'd be happier if someone with experience in this sort of thing helped out. Will you perform the operation?
Yes I will. Bring him to the Pakky Hotel at around 3pm tomorrow. I will sterilise my hands in the Men's and do the operation as the horses come into the straight during the Cup.* That way I can pretend that everyone is cheering me on.
PS - I have no malpractice insurance. However, I do have plenty of malpractice to balance things out.
* Dr Flinkey's response was penned on the eve of the Melbourne Cup.
posted by hognogger at 2:39 p.m.
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