HEN HOLDING

Good day to you all.

I want to give you the scoop on the next big thing. Pretty soon, a new recreational craze will sweep the country. How do I know this, you ask? Simple. I practise augury.

In any case, this wonderful activity of which I speak, is hen holding.

This young fella's a happy hen holder.

I like to think of hen holding as the perfect way to round off your day. If you've had an unpleasant time of it, I can tell you with authority that there is nothing better than kicking off your shoes and indulging in a spot of hen holding. It's a calming and spiritually cleansing exercise. On the other hand, if you've had a wonderful day, then a little hen holding is also the perfect way to celebrate.

Get yourself a hen. You may also want to obtain a hen for your significant other (boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, partner, etc. etc.). Sometimes, in our frenetically-paced lives, we do not spend as much meaningful time with our significant other/s as we would like. Well, hen holding is the optimal activity to perform together with your "special one/s" - little comes to mind that could realistically be considered more devotional. You may even find that it is helpful to hold each other's hen - a highly symbolic and spiritually-charged exercise in pair-bonding.

On the other hand, if you are single and lonely, then stop beating off in your bedroom. This is a futile and emotionally draining course of action. Instead, get yourself a hen and get out there on the street. Walking the dog is passe. I guarantee that if you trawl the streets with a hen in hand, you will attract attention. The effect of a man or woman striding confidently into the future with a hen under the arm is arresting, and on occasion, intoxicating.

There are many more things that can be said in favour of hen holding - too many to list here, I'm afraid. However, there are hidden dangers. After you have had a hen for a little while, you may feel that you'd like another. This is perfectly natural and healthy, up to a point. But don't be like this man:

He has exceeded the bounds of reasonable behaviour. This is sickness and perversion.

One last thing. You may find after doing a bit of hen holding, that you want to try other birds. Crow holders, for instance, think that hen holding is for wusses. Unfortunately, most crow holders are misanthropes. So be careful not to indulge your base impulses; your wanton lusts for more "dangerous" birds. This chair (pictured below) was once a human being. So take care. Some birds, such as crows, can have deleterious effects on the holder when held for extended periods of time.

That's all I have to say for now on this most fascinating and alluring of topics. Happy hen holding!

THE EYES OF THE BOOT

Dear DocFlinkey,

I have this rather disconcerting problem with my feet. At least, I thought it was a problem with my feet, but now I am not so sure.

You see, just lately, my toes have been experiencing this uncomfortable and embarrassed tingling sensation. It's not always there, but comes and goes. And lately, it's been coming more than going.

There are no obvious triggers for this feeling, and I must confess that I was stumped for some time. But I think I've worked out the true nature of things. The crucial breakthrough came when I realised that this feeling only ever comes along when I am wearing a certain pair of Blundstone boots.

That seemed to be important information, but what could it mean? For a week, I left the boots unworn by the foot of my bed while I ruminated. After considering and discarding a number of wildly implausible theories, I hit upon what I now believe may be the truth of the matter.

My current working hypothesis is that the boots have a pair of eyes on the inside at the toe, directly facing my toes. I further hypothesise that from time to time, the boot opens its eyes and as a result, my toes get this uncomfortable feeling - you know, the uncomfortable feeling you get when you think that you're being watched.

I did ask my toes what they thought of my theory, but they said they hadn't seen anything untoward, which, I suppose, is hardly surprising, given that they have no eyes. However, even though they haven't seen anything, they are most upset.

I looked inside my boot to see if I could see the eyes. No luck there. But that doesn't mean the boots don't have eyes. If the eyes were closed, then the inside of the boot would look like the inside of any normal boot. Maybe the boot senses my approach and closes its eyes just in case I'm about to uncover its secret. So, recently, I've taken to crawling softly up to the boot on all fours at irregular intervals so as to catch it unawares. But still I have uncovered nothing.

Is my theory sound; do my boots have eyes? Or do I have the boot on the wrong foot, so to speak?

If you could provide any assistance in this matter, my toes will be most grateful.

Yours ever,
Hognogger


Dr Flinkey: Remove the boots and insert a bright, small torch inside one boot at position "A" below. Attach the boot to your head like this:

If the eyes of the boot open at any stage, you will be able to see the light inside the toe-cap. I recommend you leave the boot on for 24 hours (even at work) and then swap them over should the experiment not provide a result within that period.

I look forward to hearing from you.
Flink

Hognogger: For the last five hours I have had the boot strapped to my head. I thought that this might prove unsettling as I went about my daily routine. However, since my field of vision was entirely obscured by the boot, I actually felt safe from embarrassment. I also felt a hitherto unexperienced sense of safety. The stench trailing behind me from the boot's aperture warded off all possible attacks on my person from behind.

Unfortunately, about 4 hours into the experiment, it occurred to me that I can't actually see through leather, and so, even if the eyes did open, and even granted that the torch was switched on, I wasn't going to be able to see anything aside from the exterior of the boot. Granted, the exterior of the boot is lovely when viewed from close quarters, but I remained no closer to solving the mystery. Anyway, I left the boot on my head for another hour, just to be sure, but nothing interesting happened.

So the mystery remains. Do my boots have eyes?

I'm now going to move to Plan B.

Plan B: Dr Flinkey, what do I do now?


Dr Flinkey:
1. Buy some caustic soda
2. Mix one teaspoon with one glass of water
3. Tip this solution into your boot and swish it around.
4. If the boots have eyes, you will hear them crying - a lot.

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS

I love helping people and bringing them to a greater understanding of their place in the overall scheme of things. When someone comes to me with a problem he or she just can't see any way to solve, and I offer a choice of five different ways to solve the problem, that person is usually very grateful.

However, sometimes it happens to be the case that the person in question is indecisive and just doesn't know how to choose between the five alternatives I've offered. In this sort of situation, I advise the person to get a 5-sided die and roll it in order to reach a decision.

Now, it just so happens that 5-sided dies are difficult to find. Unless the person is a hardened roleplayer, he or she could be in trouble. And in fact, if it turns out that there is a roleplaying convention going on near where the person lives, it is probable that all of the roleplaying games that include 5-sided dies have been bought by crazed roleplayers. Yet, it may be that a decision needs to be made there and then; if the matter is one of some urgency, it just won't do to wait a couple of weeks while you order a roleplaying kit from another town or city. Without the die, no decision will be made, and my good advice goes to waste.

This sort of thing happens more often than you'd think. So, just in case it happens to you some day, I'm going to tell you what to do. Armed with this information, you will feel more secure, and will probably sleep more comfortably than usual tonight.

When all else fails you need a special way to secure a 5-sided die. "And how am I going to do that?" I hear you ask. "It's not as if I can just conjure a 5-sided die out of thin air."

Actually, yes you can. And I am going to explain how. It's simply a matter of gaining possession of a magic wand. You wave the wand and the 5-sided die appears.

Now, true magic wands are a bit thin on the ground at the moment, so I'm going to explain how to make one of your very own.

First of all, you need a broom-handle. Unfortunately, not just any old broom handle will do. Now, I've heard it suggested that in order to make a magic wand, you need to use wood from a broom that was actually flown by a genuine witch. However, there is no truth to this rumour. And it's a good thing too. Genuine witches haven't flown on brooms for many years now, and this would make it hard to find viable specimens.

But you do need a broom that looks like it could be flown by a witch. There is secret magic in such brooms. Sadly, these brooms are usually very unhappy because it is in their nature to want to be flown by a witch. You're going to make a wand out of such a broom. Don't feel guilty about dismembering the broom. You will be putting it out of its misery, and therefore, doing it a favour. Here is a sample broom, just so that you know what to look for:

If you have one of these brooms, or know how to acquire one, you are in luck.

Cut the broom handle into three even sections. You are going to use one of these to make your wand, and you'll keep the other two sections as spares. If the broom has been used a lot, it may be that the surface is very smooth and shiny. This is a slight impediment, because it means that the surface is now at least somewhat impermeable, and the flow of wild magic through the wood will be hampered. A wand made out of such wood will be hard-pressed to conjure even a 3-sided die. But no worries here - just find a blind cat and coax it into scratching up the wood.

One last thing needs to be done. The wood needs to be impregnated so as to ensure an even flow of wild magic through the length of the wand. To do this, you will need to collect the slime from five toads and apply it evenly across the wood. Be sure not to miss any parts of the surface. To lock in the goodness of the slime, sear the wood using a cigarette lighter (you can use matches if you prefer, but the job will take longer that way).

Then, it's simply a matter of waving the wand and a 5-sided die will appear. If you find that a naked man or woman appears instead, you need to get your mind out of the gutter.

DUCKY AND THE MAGIC BATH

Dear Dr Flinkey,

As I'm sure you know, when you're in the bath, your fingers look bigger than they really are, so long as you're looking at them from the right angle. I always thought that this was an optical illusion resulting from diffraction. But lately, my fingers have been staying bigger even when I get out of the bath. And the next time I have a bath, they get even bigger again.

Do you think I have a magic bath, Dr. Flinks? And what can I do with my new fingers?

Deeply perplexed,
Hognogger


Dr Flinkey: Firstly, you are staying in the bath way too long if your fingers (and only your fingers) are swelling up. If it was something else - you would not be posting about it here. It is not magic - it is sick.

There are a number of advanatges - guitar playing gets so much easier. Especially augmented or diminished major seventh chords. You can catch bigger balls in your hand. When you are driving along the highway and you stick your hand out the window you can make your car take off.

Unfortunately, there are downsides. You can't pick up coins off the coffee table or wooden floors. I would suggest that you use the hands to your advantage. Next time you meet a girl you would like get closer to - show her your hands (especially your fingers) and see what reaction you get.

Take an aspirin and report back in one week.


Dear Dr. Flinkey,

I'm writing this from the bath.

Thankyou for your prompt reply. I have digested with some interest your discussion of my sick behaviour and its positive and negative consequences.

I still think I may have a magic bath on my hands, though. I think I will seek a second-opinion on this matter from a non-traditional practitioner.

Your grateful patient,
Hognogger

P.S. Rubber Ducky says hello.


Dr Flinkey: What are you plugged in to? How do your swollen fingers operate the keys?

(I was wondering where my duck was!)


Dear Dr Flinkey,

Don't worry. You can have your Rubber Ducky back soon. But just not yet. At the moment, I have him tethered to the plug-hole. I'm forcing him to write songs that I can pass off as my own. Unfortunately, his range of expression is somewhat restricted. So far, the best he has come up with are:

"Grandma's Bath-Ring"
"Soaps and Ships"
"Nine Inches Under the Sea"
"Squeeze me, baby boy"

Your correspondent in the bath,
Hognogger