THE CAR WASH OF PURIFICATION
Dear DocFlinkey,
Unhappy at the trajectory my life was taking, I resolved to do something positive.
Pooling all the funds I had stolen from others, I bought a car wash business.
The first few weeks of operation were difficult, and it appeared that my car wash was not particularly adept at cleaning cars. A car would go in one end and come out the other scarcely any cleaner. Needless to say, business was hardly booming.
Then one day, a miracle occurred.
An obese drunkard staggered into the car wash. I tried to stop him, but it was too late. The man who emerged into the light on the other side was scarcely recognisable. He was thin, sober, and overjoyed! It seemed that the car wash had scrubbed away all those layers of blubber, and leached out all the toxins in his system. Naturally, I thought nothing much of this. However, two weeks later, the same man drove up in his flash new car with a hot young woman at his side, and thanked me profusely for changing his life.
"Haven't even wanted to eat any unhealthy food, or touch a drop of booze since!", he exclaimed. "And I won the lotto the next week!"
It was only then that my mind creaked into action. Several weeks later, I knew what I must do. I applied for a government development grant, and the car wash was reborn as a weight loss and detox facility. And they came; they came from the public bars, they came from the brothels, they came from McDonalds. And I cured them all of their various maladies and gross maladjustments.
Things were going so well! Today Tonight and A Current Affair started a bidding war over my story. People began to think well of me. And I was doing such good deeds that I began to think well of myself!
That was until a week ago. You see, the car wash does not minister to the obese, the drunk and the lecherous by means of magic. No, all of that filth, all of those toxins do not vanish into thin air. They collect inside the car wash, and the residue has to be cleaned out daily. I bought an old storehouse for this very purpose, and stored the waste in vats, lined row upon row.
One evening, I was carting the latest waste deposit to storage, when upon opening the door, I was met with a living horror. Some of the waste had escaped confinement and was coalescing into what can only be described as a grotesque parody of the human form. Before my eyes, an Ooze-Man was gathering, composed of all the filth, fat and scum that my car wash had excised from humanity. I put on a pair of rubber gloves and scooped up the ooze, returning it to the vats.
I went home, and gave the matter no further consideration. However, the next evening, as I opened the door of the storeroom to make the day's deposit, I discovered that some of the vats that ought to have been full, were empty. Some of the ooze had clearly escaped and managed to form itself into some unknown number of Ooze-Men, before exiting the premises.
The Ooze-Men are among us. Where, I do not know. But it does not bode well. Those creatures are composed of an evil mixture of human lard, frustrated carnal desires, alcohol, nicotine, and miscellaneous other drugs. I fear that they do not have kind intentions.
These Ooze-Men must be located, and soon, without causing a general disturbance among the populace. And so it is that I turn once again to you, Dear Doctor. How can their reign of terror be halted before it has begun?
Dr Flinkey : Vote Liberal.
Hognogger: Indeed, I did vote Liberal at the last election, on the understanding that they would halt all reigns of terror before they had even begun.
But the Ooze-Men are at large. This matter is now clearly too serious to be left in the hands of the Government.
Dr Flinkey: I advise you as follows.
1. Take the cast of Worlds Greatest Loser to the pub and get them smashed.
2. Place them on an open truck.
3. Drive the truck through the car wash.
4. When the former fat obnoxious drunks emerge as slim beautiful people, remove the slime from the car wash and place it in the storeroom.
What will happen is scary but effective. The slime will form into Super Oozemen who will hunt down the Oozemen and eat them.
Problem solved.
Hognogger: That is a masterful solution. There is only one small detail that concerns me.
What of the Super Ooze-Men after they have mopped up the Ooze-Men? Once the Ooze-Men have been eaten, the Super Ooze-Men, being composed only of the lard and alcohol from the World's Biggest Losers, will have only two governing purposes - to drink, and then, to eat.
They may never be satiated. Once they have drunk all of the alcohol in existence, they may eat the World...
Ah... forgive me. The pupil is slow.
Once the World is devoured, *all* problems will be solved.
You truly are the master.
Dear DocFlinkey,
Unhappy at the trajectory my life was taking, I resolved to do something positive.
Pooling all the funds I had stolen from others, I bought a car wash business.
The first few weeks of operation were difficult, and it appeared that my car wash was not particularly adept at cleaning cars. A car would go in one end and come out the other scarcely any cleaner. Needless to say, business was hardly booming.
Then one day, a miracle occurred.
An obese drunkard staggered into the car wash. I tried to stop him, but it was too late. The man who emerged into the light on the other side was scarcely recognisable. He was thin, sober, and overjoyed! It seemed that the car wash had scrubbed away all those layers of blubber, and leached out all the toxins in his system. Naturally, I thought nothing much of this. However, two weeks later, the same man drove up in his flash new car with a hot young woman at his side, and thanked me profusely for changing his life.
"Haven't even wanted to eat any unhealthy food, or touch a drop of booze since!", he exclaimed. "And I won the lotto the next week!"
It was only then that my mind creaked into action. Several weeks later, I knew what I must do. I applied for a government development grant, and the car wash was reborn as a weight loss and detox facility. And they came; they came from the public bars, they came from the brothels, they came from McDonalds. And I cured them all of their various maladies and gross maladjustments.
Things were going so well! Today Tonight and A Current Affair started a bidding war over my story. People began to think well of me. And I was doing such good deeds that I began to think well of myself!
That was until a week ago. You see, the car wash does not minister to the obese, the drunk and the lecherous by means of magic. No, all of that filth, all of those toxins do not vanish into thin air. They collect inside the car wash, and the residue has to be cleaned out daily. I bought an old storehouse for this very purpose, and stored the waste in vats, lined row upon row.
One evening, I was carting the latest waste deposit to storage, when upon opening the door, I was met with a living horror. Some of the waste had escaped confinement and was coalescing into what can only be described as a grotesque parody of the human form. Before my eyes, an Ooze-Man was gathering, composed of all the filth, fat and scum that my car wash had excised from humanity. I put on a pair of rubber gloves and scooped up the ooze, returning it to the vats.
I went home, and gave the matter no further consideration. However, the next evening, as I opened the door of the storeroom to make the day's deposit, I discovered that some of the vats that ought to have been full, were empty. Some of the ooze had clearly escaped and managed to form itself into some unknown number of Ooze-Men, before exiting the premises.
The Ooze-Men are among us. Where, I do not know. But it does not bode well. Those creatures are composed of an evil mixture of human lard, frustrated carnal desires, alcohol, nicotine, and miscellaneous other drugs. I fear that they do not have kind intentions.
These Ooze-Men must be located, and soon, without causing a general disturbance among the populace. And so it is that I turn once again to you, Dear Doctor. How can their reign of terror be halted before it has begun?
Dr Flinkey : Vote Liberal.
Hognogger: Indeed, I did vote Liberal at the last election, on the understanding that they would halt all reigns of terror before they had even begun.
But the Ooze-Men are at large. This matter is now clearly too serious to be left in the hands of the Government.
Dr Flinkey: I advise you as follows.
1. Take the cast of Worlds Greatest Loser to the pub and get them smashed.
2. Place them on an open truck.
3. Drive the truck through the car wash.
4. When the former fat obnoxious drunks emerge as slim beautiful people, remove the slime from the car wash and place it in the storeroom.
What will happen is scary but effective. The slime will form into Super Oozemen who will hunt down the Oozemen and eat them.
Problem solved.
Hognogger: That is a masterful solution. There is only one small detail that concerns me.
What of the Super Ooze-Men after they have mopped up the Ooze-Men? Once the Ooze-Men have been eaten, the Super Ooze-Men, being composed only of the lard and alcohol from the World's Biggest Losers, will have only two governing purposes - to drink, and then, to eat.
They may never be satiated. Once they have drunk all of the alcohol in existence, they may eat the World...
Ah... forgive me. The pupil is slow.
Once the World is devoured, *all* problems will be solved.
You truly are the master.
posted by hognogger at 2:36 a.m.
<< Home