THE RESIDENT OF THE BRICK

Dear Dr Flinkey,

I don't know whether this will get through to you... I am transmitting via rather unorthodox means, but I will take the risk, as you are my only hope.

One morning last month, I awoke feeling rather lethargic... my first impulse was to stretch my tardy limbs, in the hope that this would enliven them and allow me to make my way out of bed.

But they weren't there!

In fact, nothing was there... I could feel nothing.

It took a couple of days for the indescribable horror to reveal itself. I was no longer in corporeal form. I shan't bore you with the tedious details of this realisation. The upshot is that my soul, or whatever it is that happens to form the seat of consciousness, is now located in a single brick near the back door of my house.

But my body lives on, animated by some other purpose. As to the origin of that purpose, I cannot say. For, surely as ever, my body continued to move around the house and go to work, just as it ever did. It even persisted in putting out the rubbish bins for collection at the appropriate time.

However, something is amiss - some strange force animates it. I know this now beyond all doubt. One evening last week, while stuck inside my brick, I observed my body sitting on the steps near the back door. It was carrying a suspicious package, which it laid beside it. The body then produced a hook. It proceeded to shove the hook up a nostril. In sheer captive terror, I watched as it drew my brain out of its protective shell, piece by piece, until there was no remainder. If that was not terrifying enough, it then proceeded to tamp at least fifty packages of white powder (via my nostrils) into the awaiting empty cranium. Then, it simply arose and returned inside, as if nothing had happened.

I have not seen my body for five days. I can only conclude that it is using my brain-case to conceal drugs, and has left the country.

And yet... greater horrors lay in store. I have discovered that I am not alone. The bricks adjoining my own are not unoccupied. Other souls are locked inside. They gibber. Is this my fate?

I now suspect that the house is playing some nefarious role in this mystery. Clearly, the gibberers are past occupants of the house. Like me, they have had their souls evicted from their bodies.

What is going on? And how can I escape from this brick, and reclaim my body before it is too late?

Or is it too late already? The cat ate what remained of my brain days ago.

Please help,
hognogger

Dr Flinkey: Thank you for your enquiry.

I started to imagine how you managed to type your plea for help when you have no physical form (apart from your brick skeleton) but it made my brain hurt so I stopped.

Assuming that this is a real problem, and not made up, I will provide the professional assistance you are, obviously, in dire need of.

First - let's review some apt lyrics:

"When we grew up and went to school, there were certain teachers who would hurt the children anyway they could
by pouring their derision upon anything we did
exposing any weakness however carefully hidden by the kids.

But in the town it was well known
When they got home at night their fat and psychopathic wives
Would thrash them within inches of their lives!

ooooooooooooo, oooooooo, ooooooooooo, ooooooooo, ooooooooo, ooooooooo,oooo.

We don't need no education
We don’t need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teacher! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

Wrong, Guess again!
Wrong, Guess again!
If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding.
How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
You! Yes, you behind the bikesheds, stand still laddie!"

I have no doubt you were derided as a child. In fact, in light of the frequency and scope of your predicaments, you deserve a certain amount of derision as an adult.

The fact that you hid your weaknesses from peers and teachers, only to have them subsequently revealed by the teachers, has now come back to haunt you. Had you made your weaknesses overt, you would have baffled teachers and destroyed their evil plan to expose you. Further, peers would have left you alone - totally alone. The act of drawing attention to yourself would have led to your being isolated from those whould would otherwise deride you.

Teachers would have still been thrashed by their fat wives but they would not have had you as a target for bullying.

As a result of your submission to the system - you are just another brick in the wall.

Pink Floyd fans saw this as a metaphor when in fact it was quite literal. The only unknown for all is the timing and circumstance of the inevitable baked clay incarcaration. This is why there are others in your wall. They heard the lyrics as well and were automatically doomed to the same fate.

I hope the solution to this problem is self evident.

No?

Well, in light of your absence of brain matter, I will spell it out.

1. You or a friend should obtain an analogue copy of Just Another Brick in the Wall (digital will not work) and record it onto a computer audio work station.

2. Save the file as "Llaw eht ni Kcirb Rehtona Tsuj"

3. Open the file in a wave editor.

4. Reverse the wave and loop it.

5. Put the loop on continuous play (so that you can hear it from your brick.)

Once you have heard the song in reverse the exact same number of times you have heard it forwards, your body will come close to the wall and you can spirit yourself back into the body.

The downside is you will have no brain. That being said, I doubt anyone will miss it.

The upside is that, if the drugs are still in the brain cavity, you are in for an unplanned trip.

- Flink