HOGNOGGER'S TIPS - DEALING WITH FLATTENED FENCES

I am excited; I am just about to take a week's leave from work. I expect to spend most of that time recording music, which will no doubt be fun and frustrating in equal measure.

I will also take a week's leave from writing here. But before I depart, I would like to address an issue of the first importance. What do you do when a section of the fence that separates you and your neighbour, is either flattened or disappears completely?

Sometimes, this sort of thing isn't much of a problem at all. If a section of the fence is flattened, then you'll often find that that part of the fence is feeling a little tired, and is merely lying down for a bit of a rest. In all probability, it will erect itself again in a day or two. If not, you should seek medical attention, as it may be seriously ill.

If the section of the fence has disappeared, this also may have more or less undisturbing consequences. It may be, for instance, that your neighbour has merely taken it down the pub for a beer, or has invited it over for dinner.

I mention the possibilities above in order to ensure that you don't fret unnecessarily if you find that your fence is flattened or has partially disappeared. Wait a few days, and if things don't right themselves, then you'll need to take further action.

Unfortunately, this is where things get kind of messy. You'll need to discuss the issue with your neighbours, as you are probably both responsible for rectifying the situation. Unfortunately, some neighbours can be quite unreasonable and, in acute cases, thoroughly intransigent. I've known many people whose neighbours, in these circumstances, have been quite happy to leave a gaping hole in the fence. "If you want it fixed, fix it yourself", they say.

If you have neighbours like this, then there are several things you can do. If you have a crappy garden, and they have a really nice one, then I suggest that you buy a goat. Your new goat will probably find your neighbour's garden much more inviting and appetising than your own.

Another thing you may try is to put up some crucifixes and cloves of garlic near the gap where the fence is. This will work really well if your neighbours are undead, as the proximity of these devices will deny them access to half of their own backyard. If you're feeling really keen, set up your sprinkler just near the gap and pump some holy water into your neighbour's backyard. That can work wonders. Just be sure that they are truly of the undead before you do this. If they are not undead, you may in fact discover that the application of holy water cures your neighbours of various chronic ailments they've been afflicted with for years.

If none of the above measures prove useful, then you are going to have to take more serious steps. The thing to do now is to erect a sign out the front of your yard. It should say, "Free Peep Show. Bring own binoculars". It should also include instructions that direct interested parties to enter your backyard and peer through the gaping wound in your fence.

Anyway, these are just a few ideas for you. I hope you never have to make use of any of them.