ARE YOU TOO LAID-BACK?

It is, apparently, part of the Australian self-image that we are a "relaxed and comfortable" lot. These days, the laid-back Aussie is in decline (rather than recline). Precious few of these characters are now to be found in the urban population centres. And this is not without reason. In today's market-driven, aspirational world, there is not really much call for such persons, except for at the odd barbeque, and in TV scripts.

In fact, if you are a laid-back sort, this is probably the real reason why you are such a failure. Yes, you read it here first. This character trait of yours, which is so esteemed in our national mythology, is holding you back. As such, it is an impediment and needs to be erradicated. I will show you how to do this.

The first thing to observe is that your laid-backness is actually the result of a physical deformity. Very few people realise this, but it's true. Laid-backness as a personality trait has been correlated (in a statistically significant way) with an excess of bone material in the feet. Specifically, those who are laid-back tend to have hypertrophy of the balls of their feet.

What this means is that such people have a natural tendency to overbalance backwards slightly. This makes them appear relaxed, in some cases diffident, and in extreme cases, almost entirely disconnected from other people. This deformity requires correction. You can do this in one of two ways.

(1) Acquire a file. Not any file will do. You'll need a file designed to file down horses hooves. It may take some time to track down one of these, but be persistent.

Once you have the file, you should start working on the balls of your feet. Don't worry about filing away your skin and flesh; it will grow back. Keep going until your problem is corrected. If you are squeamish, you may take a couple of Panadol tablets before commencing this procedure.

(2) Amputate some of your toes. For the normal person, toes are useful balancing devices. Were the average person to amputate some of his or her toes, then he or she would acquire a propensity to topple forward. However, for the laid-back person, amputation of the toes will correct the existing imbalance, and after this procedure, the formerly laid-back person will adopt a proper, vertical posture.

Should you remove too many toes, of course, you may acquire a slight forward-lean. However, don't be too concerned about this possibility. A slight forward-lean is actually very desirable in the current interpersonal climate. It will make you appear more engaging, interested and enthusiastic, and certainly, no one will ever mistake you for being laid-back.

OK, got that? Good. Now, before you do anything else, SCROLL DOWN....













If you are laid-back, were you just about to head off and perform one of these procedures? And if you're not laid-back, were you just about to head off and tell all of your laid-back friends to perform one of these procedures?

No?

That's good. You see, this post is a little test, and also a warning. I will always give you sincere and helpful advice, but there are a lot of charlatans out there. There are also many well-intentioned, but misguided, advice-givers. I just want to make sure you are absorbing advice with your critical faculties engaged.

I am not a qualified medical practitioner. What I was suggesting that you do is tantamount to self-mutilation. So let that be a lesson for you. If someone tells you that you ought to amputate or modify parts of your own body, make sure you think long and hard about that advice before going through with it. Think to yourself, "Does this advice make sense? Is it really the best way of solving my problem?" Having posed these questions, should you still be undecided about whether you ought to take the advice, you may find it helpful to ask, "What would Hognogger do in this situation?"

Now, although the remedies for laid-backness that I suggested were spurious, and possibly even dangerous, I should let you know of the proper treatment for this condition. In fact, I visited my Uncle Ignatius some weeks ago at his current residence in a popular Glen Waverley retirement village precisely so that I would be informed of current medical opinion on this issue. Prior to being struck off the register, Uncle Ignatius was a very successful doctor, making regular appearances in the social pages of all the important local newspapers.

I asked him about the proper medical treatment for laid-backness. He said that this involved the fusion of a number of vertebrae in the lumbar region of the back. If any among you are suffering from this malady of laid-backness, I suggest you consult your regular general practitioner and ask for a referral. A back specialist is most likely to be able to advise you on the various fusion procedures available and help you to select the one which best suits your particular circumstances.