FADING AWAY
Dear Doc Flinkey,
A few days back, I woke up in the morning. It is hard to believe, I know, but things grew worse. I ate a hearty breakfast, then headed off to the bathroom to take a crap and have a shower. After I toed my turds down the plughole, I got out of the shower and went to the basin so I could shave.
Imagine my surprise to find a message scrawled on the mirror! It said, "I AM FADING AWAY". It also appeared to be written with soap. Thinking that rather odd, but not unprecedented, I carried on with my preparations, and left the house for work.
The next morning, I found a new message on the mirror. It said "PLEASE STOP". Once again, it was written with soap. And once again, I was surprised, but not yet perturbed.
On the third morning, there was yet another message, reading "AT LEAST DON'T JAM ME TOGETHER WITH ONE OF THE COLOUREDS". Now I was genuinely concerned. I looked down in order to gather my thoughts. Suddenly, things fell into place. On the floor, lying beneath the mirror, was a small piece of white soap. Immediately, I had a hypothesis in hand. And, upon drawing back the shower curtain, I received all the confirmation I needed. The soap-receptacle was empty.
It all made complete sense. "I AM FADING AWAY"... what could that be, but a piece of soap having an existential crisis? The piece of soap had left its receptacle during the night, crawled to the mirror, written its plaintive plea for help, and struggled back up to its receptacle. With its second message, "PLEASE STOP", the soap had become desperate. Unless I ceased using it, it would, indeed, fade away. Now for the third message: "AT LEAST DON'T JAM ME TOGETHER WITH ONE OF THE COLOUREDS". This message reeks of resignation. Indeed, by this time, the soap lacked the strength to return to its receptacle, so it just lay there on the floor, exhausted and forlorn.
But what could the message mean? Rummaging around, I discovered an empty packet of white soap. Alongside the empty packet was an unopened packet of purple soap. I now knew exactly what the piece of soap was thinking. It was afraid that, when it became too small to be of use to me, I would pull out a fresh tablet of purple soap from the unopened packet, and simply jam what was left of the piece of white soap together with the purple soap, so as not to be wasteful.
So that is the situation as it stands. I do not believe that I have omitted any relevant information. But I need you to help me decide what to do. Should I respect the wishes of the soap, even though it may now be too far gone to care? And in any case, would it even be possible to nurse it back to health? And, since the third message reveals that the piece of soap is actually a racist, should I not perhaps just jam it together with the purple soap anyway, to show it that whites and purples can live together in harmony after all?
As always, I await your response.
Your devoted patient,
hognogger
Dear Hoggy,
Once again your consternation results from a failure to interpret dreams and/or signs that are so obvious when presented to a third and independent party, to wit, me.
Why is it that songwriters are so, so poor at recognising their inability to include killer phrases in their own lyrics?
Let me explain.
"Imagine my surprise to find a message scrawled on the mirror! It said, "I AM FADING AWAY". It also appeared to be written with soap."
It was a mere smudge - had you been born many decades earlier you could have beaten The Rolling Stones and The Who to some very good lines. Need I elaborate?
"The next morning, I found a new message on the mirror. It said "PLEASE STOP".
The same smear but perhaps The Carpenters were playing over in your head?
"On the third morning there was yet another message, reading AT LEAST DON'T JAM ME TOGETHER WITH ONE OF THE COLOUREDS".
At least you have progressed into the current era! This lyric appears in at least 300 Hip Hop songs and is in fact the title of Eminem's biography.
"The soap-receptacle was empty." How true: a writers block!
The rest of your hypothesis is based on a false perception and is, ergo, false.
But you have also, in your own summing up, exposed your own prejudice:
"And, since the third message reveals that the piece of soap is actually a racist, should I not perhaps just jam it together with the purple soap anyway, to show it that whites and purples can live together in harmony after all?"
And here we get to the root of the matter -
You simultaneously despise Prince and want to have sex with him.
Yours ever,
Flink
Dear Doc Flinkey,
A few days back, I woke up in the morning. It is hard to believe, I know, but things grew worse. I ate a hearty breakfast, then headed off to the bathroom to take a crap and have a shower. After I toed my turds down the plughole, I got out of the shower and went to the basin so I could shave.
Imagine my surprise to find a message scrawled on the mirror! It said, "I AM FADING AWAY". It also appeared to be written with soap. Thinking that rather odd, but not unprecedented, I carried on with my preparations, and left the house for work.
The next morning, I found a new message on the mirror. It said "PLEASE STOP". Once again, it was written with soap. And once again, I was surprised, but not yet perturbed.
On the third morning, there was yet another message, reading "AT LEAST DON'T JAM ME TOGETHER WITH ONE OF THE COLOUREDS". Now I was genuinely concerned. I looked down in order to gather my thoughts. Suddenly, things fell into place. On the floor, lying beneath the mirror, was a small piece of white soap. Immediately, I had a hypothesis in hand. And, upon drawing back the shower curtain, I received all the confirmation I needed. The soap-receptacle was empty.
It all made complete sense. "I AM FADING AWAY"... what could that be, but a piece of soap having an existential crisis? The piece of soap had left its receptacle during the night, crawled to the mirror, written its plaintive plea for help, and struggled back up to its receptacle. With its second message, "PLEASE STOP", the soap had become desperate. Unless I ceased using it, it would, indeed, fade away. Now for the third message: "AT LEAST DON'T JAM ME TOGETHER WITH ONE OF THE COLOUREDS". This message reeks of resignation. Indeed, by this time, the soap lacked the strength to return to its receptacle, so it just lay there on the floor, exhausted and forlorn.
But what could the message mean? Rummaging around, I discovered an empty packet of white soap. Alongside the empty packet was an unopened packet of purple soap. I now knew exactly what the piece of soap was thinking. It was afraid that, when it became too small to be of use to me, I would pull out a fresh tablet of purple soap from the unopened packet, and simply jam what was left of the piece of white soap together with the purple soap, so as not to be wasteful.
So that is the situation as it stands. I do not believe that I have omitted any relevant information. But I need you to help me decide what to do. Should I respect the wishes of the soap, even though it may now be too far gone to care? And in any case, would it even be possible to nurse it back to health? And, since the third message reveals that the piece of soap is actually a racist, should I not perhaps just jam it together with the purple soap anyway, to show it that whites and purples can live together in harmony after all?
As always, I await your response.
Your devoted patient,
hognogger
Dear Hoggy,
Once again your consternation results from a failure to interpret dreams and/or signs that are so obvious when presented to a third and independent party, to wit, me.
Why is it that songwriters are so, so poor at recognising their inability to include killer phrases in their own lyrics?
Let me explain.
"Imagine my surprise to find a message scrawled on the mirror! It said, "I AM FADING AWAY". It also appeared to be written with soap."
It was a mere smudge - had you been born many decades earlier you could have beaten The Rolling Stones and The Who to some very good lines. Need I elaborate?
"The next morning, I found a new message on the mirror. It said "PLEASE STOP".
The same smear but perhaps The Carpenters were playing over in your head?
"On the third morning there was yet another message, reading AT LEAST DON'T JAM ME TOGETHER WITH ONE OF THE COLOUREDS".
At least you have progressed into the current era! This lyric appears in at least 300 Hip Hop songs and is in fact the title of Eminem's biography.
"The soap-receptacle was empty." How true: a writers block!
The rest of your hypothesis is based on a false perception and is, ergo, false.
But you have also, in your own summing up, exposed your own prejudice:
"And, since the third message reveals that the piece of soap is actually a racist, should I not perhaps just jam it together with the purple soap anyway, to show it that whites and purples can live together in harmony after all?"
And here we get to the root of the matter -
You simultaneously despise Prince and want to have sex with him.
Yours ever,
Flink
posted by hognogger at 3:53 p.m.
