"I'M BORED"

My letterbox is usually overflowing with pleas for help from my audience here. If I could choose a recurring theme that irks me most, it is this one. There are so many bored people out there. And yet, the solution to this problem is so clear and obvious, it really annoys me that I have to hit them over the head with it. In any case, if you suffer from chronic boredom, I can help.

Just follow these easy steps.

(1) Locate your hippocampus.
(2) Take a powerdrill. Use the narrowest drill-bit you can find.
(3) Sterilise the drill-bit and affix to drill unit.
(4) Bore gently into your skull, inserting the drill-bit no more than 2 centimetres beyond the surface of the hippocampus.
(5) Remove the drill-bit from your skull.
(6) Enjoy a boredom-free life!

WORKING OVERNIGHT - A CAUTIONARY TALE

Sometimes you might find it necessary to work overnight at your office, and continue working through until the next morning. Well, if you have to do this, so be it. But I would suggest that you take whatever measures you can to avoid this eventuality, as disturbing things can happen (see below).

3.01 am

Me: Hi me.
Me: Well, hello there!
Me: What am I up to?
Me: Stuff.
Me: Fascinating. Well, don't let me detain me...
Me: Thanks. Better get back to it...

5.54 am

Me: Hi again.
Me: Huh?
Me : I said, "Hi".
Me: Oh, it's me again. What do I want?
Me: I'm lonely.
Me: Am I?
Me: Yeah. There's no one around to talk to except for me.
Me: I'm sorry to hear that. But look, there's nothing I can do to help me at the moment. Can't I see that I'm busy? Now toddle off.
Me: OK...

8.58 am

Me: Hey, me!
Me: Who, me?
Me: Yes, me.
Me: Why did I do that?
Me: I fell asleep, so I had to wake me. Anyway, I have some good news. Other people are coming. I can talk to them.
Me: Oh, good. Sorry I bothered me before, while I was busy.
Me: That's OK. I was lonely. I do understand, me. Now run along, me, 'cause I am still busy.
Me: OK. And thanks, me.

INSUFFICIENT FUN

Dear Dr. Flinkey,

I tried to take some money out of an auto-teller this morning. But it wouldn't let me, and just said "Insufficient fun". So I thought that if I tried to cheer it up a bit, it might then let me have some money.

I told it a few jokes and sang it a few songs. I even tried to deposit a Christmas card. All to no avail. It's still not happy, and continues to say "Insufficient fun". Anything further I can do to cheer it up? I'm down to my last pack of two-minute noodles and I'm becoming quite desperate.

Your devoted patient,
hognogger

Dr Flinkey: You read the message the wrong way - the ATM has insufficent fun and needs to get out more.

You need to take it out and cheer it up.

Ask the ATM what is likes to do (speak into the camera/mike) or make some suggestions. Say something like "I am coming back tomorrow to remove this ATM from the wall." This way the bank can prepare a welcoming committee for when you get back. (No doubt to thank you for cheering up an obviously stressed out ATM.)

And remember - "tis the season to be jolly" so wear a party mask of some kind. Maybe even a balaclava - they are funny!

Hognogger: Hmm... It's a National ATM, and the NAB does seem to treat its ATMs pretty shabbily. In comparison, the Westpac Bank has a more enlightened workplace relations policy.

For one thing, Westpac automatic tellers get more holidays (i.e. time when the machine says out of service). And the Westpac tellers also have little women inside them, who, out of a sense of community spirit, have allowed themselves to be shrunken down and inserted into the machines. These little women stand behind the screens of the ATMs and smile at the customers. This has a calming effect on the more agitated customers, and makes them less likely to punch ATMs. The result is a less stressful work environment for ATMs, with fewer sick days taken.

Dr Flinkey: A woman that pays YOU money?

CONVERSATIONS FROM THE PAST

Here, I begin a new series of informative posts. These are pivotal conversations from my past. Each of these conversations taught me something important about life. I hope that you will find them similarly educational.
************

Mum: Now, hognogger, do clean your teeth before you go to bed.
Little hognogger: Yes, mum. <GOES TO BED WITHOUT CLEANING TEETH>

Day dawns.

Mum: I know you didn't clean your teeth last night, hognogger.
Little hognogger: Yes I did!
Mum: Well, you didn't. Do you know why you should clean your teeth, hognogger?
Little hognogger: You get fur on your teeth and this makes them go all rotten inside.
Mum: Yes, but that is not the real reason.
Little hognogger: <LOOKS CONCERNED>
Mum: If you don't keep your teeth clean, you will have to go and see the bad people.
Little hognogger: <LOOKS ALARMED>
Mum: Yes, the bad people. The bad people will drill holes in your head until your face collapses. Then, they will take everything you earn for the next 10 years, and your children will be forced to wear rags and eat grubs.
Little hognogger: <RUNS TO BATHROOM>