WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS
I love helping people and bringing them to a greater understanding of their place in the overall scheme of things. When someone comes to me with a problem he or she just can't see any way to solve, and I offer a choice of five different ways to solve the problem, that person is usually very grateful.
However, sometimes it happens to be the case that the person in question is indecisive and just doesn't know how to choose between the five alternatives I've offered. In this sort of situation, I advise the person to get a 5-sided die and roll it in order to reach a decision.
Now, it just so happens that 5-sided dies are difficult to find. Unless the person is a hardened roleplayer, he or she could be in trouble. And in fact, if it turns out that there is a roleplaying convention going on near where the person lives, it is probable that all of the roleplaying games that include 5-sided dies have been bought by crazed roleplayers. Yet, it may be that a decision needs to be made there and then; if the matter is one of some urgency, it just won't do to wait a couple of weeks while you order a roleplaying kit from another town or city. Without the die, no decision will be made, and my good advice goes to waste.
This sort of thing happens more often than you'd think. So, just in case it happens to you some day, I'm going to tell you what to do. Armed with this information, you will feel more secure, and will probably sleep more comfortably than usual tonight.
When all else fails you need a special way to secure a 5-sided die. "And how am I going to do that?" I hear you ask. "It's not as if I can just conjure a 5-sided die out of thin air."
Actually, yes you can. And I am going to explain how. It's simply a matter of gaining possession of a magic wand. You wave the wand and the 5-sided die appears.
Now, true magic wands are a bit thin on the ground at the moment, so I'm going to explain how to make one of your very own.
First of all, you need a broom-handle. Unfortunately, not just any old broom handle will do. Now, I've heard it suggested that in order to make a magic wand, you need to use wood from a broom that was actually flown by a genuine witch. However, there is no truth to this rumour. And it's a good thing too. Genuine witches haven't flown on brooms for many years now, and this would make it hard to find viable specimens.
But you do need a broom that looks like it could be flown by a witch. There is secret magic in such brooms. Sadly, these brooms are usually very unhappy because it is in their nature to want to be flown by a witch. You're going to make a wand out of such a broom. Don't feel guilty about dismembering the broom. You will be putting it out of its misery, and therefore, doing it a favour. Here is a sample broom, just so that you know what to look for:
If you have one of these brooms, or know how to acquire one, you are in luck.
Cut the broom handle into three even sections. You are going to use one of these to make your wand, and you'll keep the other two sections as spares. If the broom has been used a lot, it may be that the surface is very smooth and shiny. This is a slight impediment, because it means that the surface is now at least somewhat impermeable, and the flow of wild magic through the wood will be hampered. A wand made out of such wood will be hard-pressed to conjure even a 3-sided die. But no worries here - just find a blind cat and coax it into scratching up the wood.
One last thing needs to be done. The wood needs to be impregnated so as to ensure an even flow of wild magic through the length of the wand. To do this, you will need to collect the slime from five toads and apply it evenly across the wood. Be sure not to miss any parts of the surface. To lock in the goodness of the slime, sear the wood using a cigarette lighter (you can use matches if you prefer, but the job will take longer that way).
Then, it's simply a matter of waving the wand and a 5-sided die will appear. If you find that a naked man or woman appears instead, you need to get your mind out of the gutter.
I love helping people and bringing them to a greater understanding of their place in the overall scheme of things. When someone comes to me with a problem he or she just can't see any way to solve, and I offer a choice of five different ways to solve the problem, that person is usually very grateful.
However, sometimes it happens to be the case that the person in question is indecisive and just doesn't know how to choose between the five alternatives I've offered. In this sort of situation, I advise the person to get a 5-sided die and roll it in order to reach a decision.
Now, it just so happens that 5-sided dies are difficult to find. Unless the person is a hardened roleplayer, he or she could be in trouble. And in fact, if it turns out that there is a roleplaying convention going on near where the person lives, it is probable that all of the roleplaying games that include 5-sided dies have been bought by crazed roleplayers. Yet, it may be that a decision needs to be made there and then; if the matter is one of some urgency, it just won't do to wait a couple of weeks while you order a roleplaying kit from another town or city. Without the die, no decision will be made, and my good advice goes to waste.
This sort of thing happens more often than you'd think. So, just in case it happens to you some day, I'm going to tell you what to do. Armed with this information, you will feel more secure, and will probably sleep more comfortably than usual tonight.
When all else fails you need a special way to secure a 5-sided die. "And how am I going to do that?" I hear you ask. "It's not as if I can just conjure a 5-sided die out of thin air."
Actually, yes you can. And I am going to explain how. It's simply a matter of gaining possession of a magic wand. You wave the wand and the 5-sided die appears.
Now, true magic wands are a bit thin on the ground at the moment, so I'm going to explain how to make one of your very own.
First of all, you need a broom-handle. Unfortunately, not just any old broom handle will do. Now, I've heard it suggested that in order to make a magic wand, you need to use wood from a broom that was actually flown by a genuine witch. However, there is no truth to this rumour. And it's a good thing too. Genuine witches haven't flown on brooms for many years now, and this would make it hard to find viable specimens.
But you do need a broom that looks like it could be flown by a witch. There is secret magic in such brooms. Sadly, these brooms are usually very unhappy because it is in their nature to want to be flown by a witch. You're going to make a wand out of such a broom. Don't feel guilty about dismembering the broom. You will be putting it out of its misery, and therefore, doing it a favour. Here is a sample broom, just so that you know what to look for:
If you have one of these brooms, or know how to acquire one, you are in luck.
Cut the broom handle into three even sections. You are going to use one of these to make your wand, and you'll keep the other two sections as spares. If the broom has been used a lot, it may be that the surface is very smooth and shiny. This is a slight impediment, because it means that the surface is now at least somewhat impermeable, and the flow of wild magic through the wood will be hampered. A wand made out of such wood will be hard-pressed to conjure even a 3-sided die. But no worries here - just find a blind cat and coax it into scratching up the wood.
One last thing needs to be done. The wood needs to be impregnated so as to ensure an even flow of wild magic through the length of the wand. To do this, you will need to collect the slime from five toads and apply it evenly across the wood. Be sure not to miss any parts of the surface. To lock in the goodness of the slime, sear the wood using a cigarette lighter (you can use matches if you prefer, but the job will take longer that way).
Then, it's simply a matter of waving the wand and a 5-sided die will appear. If you find that a naked man or woman appears instead, you need to get your mind out of the gutter.
posted by hognogger at 3:24 p.m.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home