HEN HOLDING

Good day to you all.

I want to give you the scoop on the next big thing. Pretty soon, a new recreational craze will sweep the country. How do I know this, you ask? Simple. I practise augury.

In any case, this wonderful activity of which I speak, is hen holding.

This young fella's a happy hen holder.

I like to think of hen holding as the perfect way to round off your day. If you've had an unpleasant time of it, I can tell you with authority that there is nothing better than kicking off your shoes and indulging in a spot of hen holding. It's a calming and spiritually cleansing exercise. On the other hand, if you've had a wonderful day, then a little hen holding is also the perfect way to celebrate.

Get yourself a hen. You may also want to obtain a hen for your significant other (boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, partner, etc. etc.). Sometimes, in our frenetically-paced lives, we do not spend as much meaningful time with our significant other/s as we would like. Well, hen holding is the optimal activity to perform together with your "special one/s" - little comes to mind that could realistically be considered more devotional. You may even find that it is helpful to hold each other's hen - a highly symbolic and spiritually-charged exercise in pair-bonding.

On the other hand, if you are single and lonely, then stop beating off in your bedroom. This is a futile and emotionally draining course of action. Instead, get yourself a hen and get out there on the street. Walking the dog is passe. I guarantee that if you trawl the streets with a hen in hand, you will attract attention. The effect of a man or woman striding confidently into the future with a hen under the arm is arresting, and on occasion, intoxicating.

There are many more things that can be said in favour of hen holding - too many to list here, I'm afraid. However, there are hidden dangers. After you have had a hen for a little while, you may feel that you'd like another. This is perfectly natural and healthy, up to a point. But don't be like this man:

He has exceeded the bounds of reasonable behaviour. This is sickness and perversion.

One last thing. You may find after doing a bit of hen holding, that you want to try other birds. Crow holders, for instance, think that hen holding is for wusses. Unfortunately, most crow holders are misanthropes. So be careful not to indulge your base impulses; your wanton lusts for more "dangerous" birds. This chair (pictured below) was once a human being. So take care. Some birds, such as crows, can have deleterious effects on the holder when held for extended periods of time.

That's all I have to say for now on this most fascinating and alluring of topics. Happy hen holding!