THE EYES OF THE BOOT

Dear DocFlinkey,

I have this rather disconcerting problem with my feet. At least, I thought it was a problem with my feet, but now I am not so sure.

You see, just lately, my toes have been experiencing this uncomfortable and embarrassed tingling sensation. It's not always there, but comes and goes. And lately, it's been coming more than going.

There are no obvious triggers for this feeling, and I must confess that I was stumped for some time. But I think I've worked out the true nature of things. The crucial breakthrough came when I realised that this feeling only ever comes along when I am wearing a certain pair of Blundstone boots.

That seemed to be important information, but what could it mean? For a week, I left the boots unworn by the foot of my bed while I ruminated. After considering and discarding a number of wildly implausible theories, I hit upon what I now believe may be the truth of the matter.

My current working hypothesis is that the boots have a pair of eyes on the inside at the toe, directly facing my toes. I further hypothesise that from time to time, the boot opens its eyes and as a result, my toes get this uncomfortable feeling - you know, the uncomfortable feeling you get when you think that you're being watched.

I did ask my toes what they thought of my theory, but they said they hadn't seen anything untoward, which, I suppose, is hardly surprising, given that they have no eyes. However, even though they haven't seen anything, they are most upset.

I looked inside my boot to see if I could see the eyes. No luck there. But that doesn't mean the boots don't have eyes. If the eyes were closed, then the inside of the boot would look like the inside of any normal boot. Maybe the boot senses my approach and closes its eyes just in case I'm about to uncover its secret. So, recently, I've taken to crawling softly up to the boot on all fours at irregular intervals so as to catch it unawares. But still I have uncovered nothing.

Is my theory sound; do my boots have eyes? Or do I have the boot on the wrong foot, so to speak?

If you could provide any assistance in this matter, my toes will be most grateful.

Yours ever,
Hognogger


Dr Flinkey: Remove the boots and insert a bright, small torch inside one boot at position "A" below. Attach the boot to your head like this:

If the eyes of the boot open at any stage, you will be able to see the light inside the toe-cap. I recommend you leave the boot on for 24 hours (even at work) and then swap them over should the experiment not provide a result within that period.

I look forward to hearing from you.
Flink

Hognogger: For the last five hours I have had the boot strapped to my head. I thought that this might prove unsettling as I went about my daily routine. However, since my field of vision was entirely obscured by the boot, I actually felt safe from embarrassment. I also felt a hitherto unexperienced sense of safety. The stench trailing behind me from the boot's aperture warded off all possible attacks on my person from behind.

Unfortunately, about 4 hours into the experiment, it occurred to me that I can't actually see through leather, and so, even if the eyes did open, and even granted that the torch was switched on, I wasn't going to be able to see anything aside from the exterior of the boot. Granted, the exterior of the boot is lovely when viewed from close quarters, but I remained no closer to solving the mystery. Anyway, I left the boot on my head for another hour, just to be sure, but nothing interesting happened.

So the mystery remains. Do my boots have eyes?

I'm now going to move to Plan B.

Plan B: Dr Flinkey, what do I do now?


Dr Flinkey:
1. Buy some caustic soda
2. Mix one teaspoon with one glass of water
3. Tip this solution into your boot and swish it around.
4. If the boots have eyes, you will hear them crying - a lot.